The Hidden Joy of Backseat Gaming

how hobbies connect us to others

You can listen to an audio version of this newsletter above. Please note that this is unedited and there may be some natural stumbles, as I’m recording in my home office.

Photo by Javier Martínez on Unsplash

There were two events early in dating my spouse Kris that keyed me into the certainty of our future.

First was when Kris and I discovered that we both had no intention of becoming a parent (I prefer to take on an artsy aunt role). Second was the recognition that Kris likes to play video games and I like to watch people play video games.

Video games have been a friend to me during the most challenging times in my life. During seasons where I waded through insecurities at home, video games allowed me to focus on a smaller challenge that could be controlled—offering me soothing and satisfaction. In elementary school, I’d spend hours watching my friends play Super Nintendo at sleepovers. When I navigated the hell of coming out in a small town at the start of my senior year of high school and moved in with my girlfriend, I found peace in dozing off on her shoulder while she played World of Warcraft on our bed. Over and over since then, watching others play video games transported me to a place where I could find camaraderie and relief.

I sometimes wonder if my fascination with video games is due to the assurance that, should you fail or die in the game, you can always try again. Some games, like Baldur’s Gate 3, which swept the 2023 Game of the Year awards, allow you to save scum, “the art of saving before a potentially undesirable outcome in a video game should you not like the results, and reloading if you don’t.”

When Kris is on the controller, I am known to do some backseat gaming, yelling “take a health potion!” during a stressful battle. When I have the controller, Kris reminds me to be patient so I don’t run out of stamina and fall off the mountain I’m climbing. We’re a good team.

My pastime is quite common and, lucky for me, it’s also great for relationships. While perhaps not quite the same, I think we can glean a lot of the benefits here by exploring the concept of “parallel play.”

In childhood psychology, parallel play happens when children play alongside one another without necessarily interacting. Part of the joy of parallel play is being social with another person while being able to do your own thing. Adults do this too, of course. I call it being “separate but together,” like when I’m reading newsletters on my iPad while Kris is mining TikTok for cute animal videos. We’re focused on our own things, yet not ignoring each other, two components that reporter Yasmin Jeffery notes are key to successful parallel play. You could also do parallel play for the same activity—like video games. Kate Gray, a journalist who specializes in gaming, wrote a great piece about her experience playing Minecraft alongside her friends. While they were far away from one another, they worked on their own Minecraft creations and came together to share resources when anyone needed some help or guidance.

Parallel play is great for when Kris and I want to focus on our solo activities, but I’m not joking—I truly do enjoy watching others play video games. My habit is wildly popular for many reasons, such as community building or watching others solve problems, and many spectators liken it to watching sports on TV. While I do sometimes pull up a walkthrough on YouTube when I’m stumped on a part of a game, in general, I prefer to take on a helpful spectator role in my own living room instead of watching play-throughs online.

My friend Nick Y. came up with a term for this: Sticks and Sights, where Sticks refers to one person controlling the joysticks on a controller and Sights refers to the person who watches and offers support. As a spectator, I won’t feel the haptic vibration of the controller when a sword makes contact or an explosion goes off in the game, but I do get to follow the storyline and help out with puzzles (my favorite part of the Sights role). Kris is the one who has to hit the right buttons in the game, but when we’re Sticks and Sights, we’re cooperating and playing together.

At least once a month, Kris and I remark on the amazing coincidence that our interests line up so well. I’m grateful that we spend our evenings curled up on the couch, building villages, slaying dragons, and navigating outer space together. I can’t wait to see what kinds of games we’ll be playing together in our eighties.

I know not everyone is as fascinated by video games as I am, but I invite you to think about the kinds of play that help you destress and connect to the people in your life.

What hobbies do you prefer to tag-team? When your friend or loved one is stationed in the living room, what “solo” activities do you bring over to enjoy in satisfied silence?

I’ll be back next week with my answers to the January Q&A! Can’t wait to share with you.

Take care and talk soon,

Dr. Kate

*Special shout out and huge thanks to my friend Katy G. for sharing resources to help me write this piece. <3